A few nights ago I was praying and journaling and I asked Jesus why He is SO good to me. He said to me, so clearly and so sweetly, "I wish you would stop asking me that. It's because I LOVE you. So so so so much. Don't you get it?"
No. No, I don't.
I don't get it at all.
Jesus doesn't have to have a REASON to be good me and shower his grace and blessings over me. In fact, he has every reason NOT to. I go before him mangled and broken and filthy. He should turn his eyes away from me. I should look disgusting to him, sitting in the rags of my self-righteousness and disbelief. But, instead, he looks at me so sweetly and so tenderly and I find myself drowning in a sea of his affection for me.
Lately, my heart has EXPLODED with love for Jesus. Jesus as my groom, my lover. I found that I am so used to Jesus being my teacher, God being my creator, and the Spirit being my helper. I spend most of my days feeling like a child skipping along in the wake of Jesus. Never have I felt the depths of the delight and satisfaction Jesus feels for me as his bride. Every time I look at him, every time I choose him over the desires of my flesh, every time I act in obedience to His word, the heart of God is moved with love for me. Jesus wants to dance with me, looking me straight in the eyes, while I wear my pure and spotless dress.
I know that I don't deserve anything, nothing but death. But I think that it makes my Father sad for me to settle with that. We live in the power and shadow of His resurrection. We were the joy set before the cross and we satisfy our maker. So I don't think that he wants us to believe that we are nothing more that filthy rags. I think, and I'm learning, that Jesus wants us to realize that there really is no reason for why he loves us and why he is so good and so faithful to us, but he does and he is. He came to set us FREE from our slavery to sin. We washes us white like snow. He makes beauty out of our ashes. He did not rescue us from the very depths of darkness so that we would continually talk about our wretchedness. He came to dance with us, to set us free. His heart is UNDONE with our love for him. We have to accept that. We have know that it is as true that we are found spotless to him as it that we were ONCE lost and full of darkness. But when our maker looks at us, he is overwhelmed with love for us, not disappointment that we have failed over and over again.
It kind of comes full circle, doesn't it? We love because he first loved us. We love BECAUSE of his love. His love is our purpose. So we have to accept it. We have to feel it down to the very depths of our being and let it resonated and shake us to the core. We can only love Jesus with his help. So, we ask him for it. And he can't WAIT drop us like a seed into an ocean of his love and grace.
I feel so free. Because he LIVES I can face tomorrow. Because he lives, I can dance with Jesus.
Just because He lives.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Little Blue Bird
There once was a little blue bird who had big wings and a bigger heart. She loved to fly. It was her very favorite thing to do, flying. Her eyes would shine and her spirit was light as she floated atop the air right into the sun. Her wings fluttered with the light. Sometimes she flew great distances to exotic lands or scary forests, and sometimes she just flew right down the road. Her favorite times, however, were when she could fly just to fly, going nowhere at all.
During one of these times, when she was flying just to feel free, it started to rain. Big, freezing drops of water pounded down on her like strong hands on a big drum. Each drop of rain pushed her closer and closer to the ground until--THUD--she crashed into the muddy earth. The little blue bird didn't know what to do! She didn't know where she was nor any of the creatures that were scurrying around looking for shelter from the storm clamoring in the sky. On top of that, she had crushed one of her beautiful, broad wings as she crashed into the ground. She shivered fiercely.
Suddenly, the ground began to shake and the little blue bird felt a deep trembling inside her chest. Something was coming toward her, something big, much, much bigger than the little blue bird. She squinted her eyes to try and see through the thick rain. It was a man. A tall man. A man with broad shoulders and big feet. He thundered right up next to the little blue bird and she was sure that was going to step on her. She squeezed shut her eyes and tensed up her shoulders preparing to be crushed...but it never came. Instead, the earth stopped shaking. She peeped real slowly out of one eye. The man had squatted down next to her and was looking directly at her! He scooped her up gently, with tender hands. She noticed how strong his hands were and she wondered how he could be so delicate with his touch with such strong hands.
The man with strong hands started walking back to a small cabin just a few yards away. He looked down sweetly at the little blue bird and said, "I saw you fall, you know. The rain got heavy and the winds grew rough and I saw you fall straight down. Oh, look! Your poor little wing is hurt, too. Don't worry little blue bird, I've got you in my strong, safe hands"
I usually feel like the little bird, flying and feeling free. Chasing the sunrise. But then things happen and life gets hard and I remember that it I, by myself, do have hallow bones that will break during heavy rains and strong winds. But He takes care of the lilies and the sparrows so surely He'll take care of me too. He sees, heals and sets me free. So I can truly fly in freedom in the shadow of his wings, tasting the sun and singing of glory.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26
During one of these times, when she was flying just to feel free, it started to rain. Big, freezing drops of water pounded down on her like strong hands on a big drum. Each drop of rain pushed her closer and closer to the ground until--THUD--she crashed into the muddy earth. The little blue bird didn't know what to do! She didn't know where she was nor any of the creatures that were scurrying around looking for shelter from the storm clamoring in the sky. On top of that, she had crushed one of her beautiful, broad wings as she crashed into the ground. She shivered fiercely.
Suddenly, the ground began to shake and the little blue bird felt a deep trembling inside her chest. Something was coming toward her, something big, much, much bigger than the little blue bird. She squinted her eyes to try and see through the thick rain. It was a man. A tall man. A man with broad shoulders and big feet. He thundered right up next to the little blue bird and she was sure that was going to step on her. She squeezed shut her eyes and tensed up her shoulders preparing to be crushed...but it never came. Instead, the earth stopped shaking. She peeped real slowly out of one eye. The man had squatted down next to her and was looking directly at her! He scooped her up gently, with tender hands. She noticed how strong his hands were and she wondered how he could be so delicate with his touch with such strong hands.
The man with strong hands started walking back to a small cabin just a few yards away. He looked down sweetly at the little blue bird and said, "I saw you fall, you know. The rain got heavy and the winds grew rough and I saw you fall straight down. Oh, look! Your poor little wing is hurt, too. Don't worry little blue bird, I've got you in my strong, safe hands"
I usually feel like the little bird, flying and feeling free. Chasing the sunrise. But then things happen and life gets hard and I remember that it I, by myself, do have hallow bones that will break during heavy rains and strong winds. But He takes care of the lilies and the sparrows so surely He'll take care of me too. He sees, heals and sets me free. So I can truly fly in freedom in the shadow of his wings, tasting the sun and singing of glory.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26
Sunday, October 30, 2011
A Beautiful Reminder
About a month or so ago a good friend challenged me to remind myself of the gospel everyday. So, here it goes...
Jesus became man, a man that felt temptation, a man that felt the weight of the world. But he was light--the light. He was God. He called people to be his disciples. He asked them to drop everything in order to follow him, to love him so much that love for a parent or friend looks like hate.
He said weird things like “I am the living water” and “my food is to do the will of the one who sent me” and “you must drink my blood and eat my bones.” He hung out with the lepers and prostitutes and tax collectors. He talked about eternal life and being born again. He wanted those who were willing to trust even when they didn’t understand. He wanted those that chose him over anything else in the world. He didn’t care about righteous acts, but about making us righteous through him. He wants us to quit life so that we can follow him.
He died on the cross. He wept. He took on the wrath of God to give the world costly grace. Grace that is not based on deeds but on surrender. He offers not only a kingdom in heaven, but also a kingdom on earth. He offers peace and joy and life abundantly HERE through oneness with him so that we may be one with the spirit. He takes our brokenness and wretched flesh and wrecks it, restoring it to radiate with a new light. Because when God looks at us he no longer sees the dominion of darkness, but His son, Jesus.
He rose again, appearing to women in the garden. He conquered the world. He conquered death. He gave us the church to encourage us and his Spirit to guide us and be with us always, to lead us and fully satisfying our thirsty souls. Love is far more powerful than death.
He did this because he is madly in love with us. He did this because we are his children. Because we are made in his image, because he longs to be with us and he knows that the only thing that will satisfy us is HIM. Not even us made much of by him will satisfy us as fully and wholly as he himself. He loves us so much that he doesn’t allow us to be satisfied with ourselves. He freed us from the penalty of our wretchedness but also from the bondage of sin. We are Christ’s ambassadors, the pleasing aroma of Him who is in us. We exist to make much of Him, to give him all the glory.
Our response is to love people, to desire form them to have more than we could ever give them. So we show them Jesus, the hope of glory.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
College is Weird
College is weird. That's really the only word to describe it. It takes everything that you had so deeply woven yourself into and built yourself around and it strips you from it, leaving you naked and bare and probably extremely vulnerable. There's nothing familiar. No one knows your heart and can give direction when everything is jumbled up and blurry, there are no hiding places that you can run to and feel safe and secure, there is not even a familiar face to remind you that your life and you really are the same as you have always been. It's just you. And Jesus.
All that crap that I fantasized and dreamt about college is merely a romantic picture that I'd pieced together from movies and stories told from other people's adventures. The truth is, college is freaking hard. It's overwhelming and stressful and there isn't time for thinking let alone Spanish tests and English essays. There are a million new emotions that I never new existed, there are opportunities for adventure every day and suddenly the world seems accessible. The nations seem so close that I could reach out and touch them. College is a whirlwind, that's for sure. But amongst the newness and foggy future, there is a beauty that has begun to penetrate me with its growing light.
I feel extremely blessed by the family and friends that I've grown up with. I can't ever imagine having better friends than I've had this past year. They were those rare people who not only inspire you every day to love Jesus more and go where He sends you, but also make you feel free from the worlds constraints and expectations, that can show you how to throw your head back and laugh at the ridiculousness of life. They are the manifestations of joy. And as my dearest friend Alexis and I sat on my bed crying the night before six states came between us, we realized it wasn't the loss of friendship we were afraid of but the realization and the reality that things would never, ever be the same. That's what broke our hearts. But the truth is, Jesus wants us to realize that we don't need anything or anyone apart from Him. He is beautiful because beauty is satisfying within itself. It's not a means to an end, it's an end. He is the end and also the beginning. He is everything.
So although somedays I feel like I've been beaten by the world and it's pressures and expectations, I can feel Jesus wooing me to find rest in Him. When I feel like I must come before him with everything figured out and fixed, I hear him tell me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, not my strength and put-togetherness. He loves me not because I am lovable, but because he IS love and I am his daughter whom he delights in. He rejoices over me not because I know what I want to do with my life or make good grades or keep my composure 24/7, but because there is nothing he'd rather see in all of the universe than his children loving him. That may seem daunting. It may seem scary because it means change and conviction, but there is nothing I'd rather do than quit life in order to love him more. He is all that I need. I'm still learning what that means, but I think that being stripped from everything that I clung to so closely made me realize something so beautiful: As it turns out, it's not my friends or family or church or school or hometown that have built me into who I am, but Jesus who is building me to be more like Him.
Nothing missing.
Nothing needed.
Nothing wanted.
Just Jesus.
It is well with my soul.
All that crap that I fantasized and dreamt about college is merely a romantic picture that I'd pieced together from movies and stories told from other people's adventures. The truth is, college is freaking hard. It's overwhelming and stressful and there isn't time for thinking let alone Spanish tests and English essays. There are a million new emotions that I never new existed, there are opportunities for adventure every day and suddenly the world seems accessible. The nations seem so close that I could reach out and touch them. College is a whirlwind, that's for sure. But amongst the newness and foggy future, there is a beauty that has begun to penetrate me with its growing light.
I feel extremely blessed by the family and friends that I've grown up with. I can't ever imagine having better friends than I've had this past year. They were those rare people who not only inspire you every day to love Jesus more and go where He sends you, but also make you feel free from the worlds constraints and expectations, that can show you how to throw your head back and laugh at the ridiculousness of life. They are the manifestations of joy. And as my dearest friend Alexis and I sat on my bed crying the night before six states came between us, we realized it wasn't the loss of friendship we were afraid of but the realization and the reality that things would never, ever be the same. That's what broke our hearts. But the truth is, Jesus wants us to realize that we don't need anything or anyone apart from Him. He is beautiful because beauty is satisfying within itself. It's not a means to an end, it's an end. He is the end and also the beginning. He is everything.
So although somedays I feel like I've been beaten by the world and it's pressures and expectations, I can feel Jesus wooing me to find rest in Him. When I feel like I must come before him with everything figured out and fixed, I hear him tell me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, not my strength and put-togetherness. He loves me not because I am lovable, but because he IS love and I am his daughter whom he delights in. He rejoices over me not because I know what I want to do with my life or make good grades or keep my composure 24/7, but because there is nothing he'd rather see in all of the universe than his children loving him. That may seem daunting. It may seem scary because it means change and conviction, but there is nothing I'd rather do than quit life in order to love him more. He is all that I need. I'm still learning what that means, but I think that being stripped from everything that I clung to so closely made me realize something so beautiful: As it turns out, it's not my friends or family or church or school or hometown that have built me into who I am, but Jesus who is building me to be more like Him.
Nothing missing.
Nothing needed.
Nothing wanted.
Just Jesus.
It is well with my soul.
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