Big Questions and Big Thoughts

Theology used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.

Big questions and big thoughts seemed frightful in a way that could knock me right off whatever tentative ground I was trying to stand on. It was as though if I didn't find answers to big, ominous things like predestination or the complicated balance between His love and His justice, faith was merely a freestanding title, not a character trait and certainly not something that has been grown out of loving trust or devine revelation by His Spirit.

Now, let me say this: faith does not mean ignorance. Big thoughts and big questions don't not scare me anymore because I have written them off and chosen not to think about them. I know the depth, I know the draw, and I know the weightiness of all that has consistently been roadblocks and dead ends for men and women of faith. I think long and deeply about things like dispensationalism, creationism,  calvinism, free will and so on and so forth. I am not saying that those things aren't important or worthy of great contemplation, I just can't get past the grace by which I have been saved. What I mean is, that "twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fear relieved!" See, it's not big thoughts and big questions that scare me, it is facing those big thoughts and big questions without knowing Jesus and his sweet and tender love for me.

I am in a theology class that my church is teaching this fall and there are times when what I learn causes my brain to want to question things I know in my heart. But let me tell you, it is not because I am smarter or understand God more (for His thoughts will always be higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9)) that these "big thoughts" (I hope you have experienced what type of big thoughts and questions I am referring to. If not, this probably doesn't make much sense) don't scare me anymore. It is because I know God and I have gotten to know His character through relationship with Jesus. I have felt His tenderness, I have endured the gut wrenching realizations of the ugliness of my sin, I have experienced the depths of my desperation for His presence. I am becoming one with His Spirit and by doing so, I can ask questions and have theological "discussions" without my faith wavering or my heart trembling. 

One thing that I have learned by returning home this semester is that moving somewhere or going somewhere or leaving somewhere doesn't "fix the problem." Sure, being somewhere else might make things easier or more or less enjoyable, but that is mere frosting on the deep transformation that the Lord wants to do on the crumbling cake (or should I say feces) of my heart. 

It is a great and necessary thing to wrestle through big things. God works in big ways when His children ask him big questions (I mean, He is a BIG God and gives BIG answers). It is just scary to face such big things when, on our own, our faith is so weak, so fragile. It is even scarier when our pride causes us to believe that our logic is higher than He and that our inability to find answers is due to God's inability to answer them. 

Will I ever understand grace? I sure hope not. But I do know that knowing Jesus and falling in love with him is the greatest of all romances and causes my heart and my mind to be totally transformed by recognizing His sovereignty over all things and the patient love He demonstrates to His children.

 We are written on the palms of His hands, Isaiah tells us. But listen to this beautiful realization: our names are chiseled there by the nails hammered into Jesus' hands on the cross! We are written there by his blood! We are never far from His thoughts, but the thought of Him often causes our sinful flesh to turn away. If the thought of God is too much to understand, if it is too frightening, too ominous, get to know Jesus. His love and compassion will overwhelm your big thoughts and big questions. Sometimes with answers and sometimes with the comfort (yes, the comfort!) of not knowing.

You see, the harder you lean on Jesus, the stronger you find him to be. 

Misfits Like Me.

I started community college this semester as a last minute decision not to return to Greenville this fall. It definitely is not what I was expecting but it far exceeds anything I could have looked forward to on my own. As I walked through the halls and sat in my classes on the first few days of school, I was surprised to notice that there is the widest variety of people I have seen that go to school together.  There isn't a certain profile that an NWACC student fits into. There are people who have families and full time jobs that are just trying to further their education. There are even older people who want to get a diploma after all these years. There are kids who, after spending a few years living like they wanted to, decided that school is a better option. There are students, like me, who want to get general education classes out of the way before pursuing bigger dreams. There are people who are just trying to make ends meet and make life better for their kids. I like to call the students in community college misfits. I don't use that as a derogatory term but to say that it seems to me that these people are about as real as it gets. I think the misfits at community college are the most beautiful people I have ever seen.

You see, I think that Jesus came for the misfits at community college. Not just them, of course, but people like them. People that don't plan on making their life be about money, people that might have a hard life ahead of or behind them, people who work hard without getting pats on the back or gold stars. Humble people. Just regular joes. People who have been marked up by life and are tired and weary.

I've been a part of a lot of groups in my life that like to be cool for Jesus, sometimes even in the name of Jesus. Jesus doesn't care about being cool. And neither do the misfits at community college. They just are who they are. Lots of them don't know how special they are. They don't know how furiously Jesus loves them. They haven't yet been carried off by the waves of God's grace into the deep ocean of His love. But I can't help but think that that is a better place to be than to think that we can live our lives being cool for Jesus. I think that maybe grace means more to people who don't think they are too good for it.

Really, I think that we are all misfits when it comes down to it. We just aren't ready to think about it. Life is really crazy and hard and beautiful when we are chasing the Wild Goose. More times than not, we are weary, full of worries and fears and doubts. We like to pretend that we are cool by trying to make our lives look like Pinterest and we like to pretend we are adventurous by posting our life on Instagram. I do it too of couse, but I think what I am really doing is making approval an idol and not casting my burdens on Jesus. To be in step with the Spirit that has been given to us means to be without worry and to be free from the world. Oh how I wish my full trust was in Jesus! I think it's good for us to realize that Jesus wasn't cool. Not only was he not cool, he was weird. He was a misfit born into a family of misfits (I mean, really, just think about his lineage! Ha!). Sometimes the closer we follow Jesus, the more unrelatable to the world we become. But we also become completely humble and gentle. The world doesn't recognize us. But the misfits do.

Francis Chan asked once whether or not we knew that nothing in life will ever matter unless we spend it loving God and loving the people he created. Well, if we are only loving the people that already love him, that doesn't make sense either. Light only shines in the darkness. Plus Jesus was weird and people didn't ever get him or why he did things. Maybe that's how we should look, too. Nothing else matters but Jesus, guys. He's the best and he loves you no matter how many times you mess up. Our mess ups make into the misfits. He hung out with the misfits. He loves the misfits. He loves you. He loves me.

Let's love the misfits, too.

Chasing the Wild Goose

I named this blog "A Wild Goose Chase" because that is exactly what I feel like I'm doing as I chase after and pursue Jesus. Trying to follow Jesus is really confusing sometimes and nearly always difficult.

But that is why I must keep chasing after him.

Life is already confusing and difficult and stressful and exhausting, but the hard things that Jesus teaches me are infinitely different than the things the world drags me through. It is hard following Jesus because I have to deny myself what my self-centered, self-seeking, self-desiring flesh wants everyday. It is hard following Jesus because he leads me away from everything that I want. It is hard following Jesus because I never know if I am doing it right. It is hard following Jesus because it requires trusting him and not my plans. It is hard following Jesus because he wants me to do things and love people that I just don't want to do or love. It is really hard following Jesus.

But it isn't just hard.

It is full of life.
It is full of joy.
It is abiding in peace,
overflowing with grace.
Grace that is not dependent upon
my actions
or thoughts
or moods
or desires.
It does not matter how many times I screw up.
It doesn't matter if this sin I had yesterday
is the same sin I'm struggling with today.
His grace is sufficient.
He loves just because he is.

This past week Jesus has asked me to do one of the hardest things yet. He has asked me to stay at Greenville College next year instead of going back home, to the friends and family whom I deeply love and care for. He is drawing me into a life of humble irrelevancy. He is teaching me how to shift my focus from wanting to be cool and popular and beautiful and fun and quirky to learning to be humble, irrelevant, full of quiet peace, gently listening and seeking understanding. Basically, he wants to make me less like my flesh and more like him. He wants to teach me how to live completely dependent on him, not seeking comfort from my friends and family. Sounds just like him, huh? And it sure is hard.

Not seeking approval from the relevant, hip world--even the Christian world.... Yikes. What a battle. My friend Allie always describes followers of Jesus as Warrior Princesses. That describes my life much more than cowering surrender.

Yeah, following Jesus may be hard, but it is worth it. Knowing Jesus and being loved by him is worth all the hard and more. It is worth being lonely and scared and confused. It is worth failing, it is worth not understanding. It is even worth all those times that you cry and ask, "Why Jesus? Why is it so hard?" Yeah, his peace is over-whelming. Yes is grace is sufficient. Yes his love surpasses all understanding, but even more than that, you get Jesus. And he is enough. Jesus is enough. And He is worth it.